5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.