Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-