in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show