One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
You Might Also Like
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.