If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Not today. 😅
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know