I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
You Might Also Like
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
🙁
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac