The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
No laws when master is gone
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.