Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”