Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
good work, detective
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”