My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle