Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.