so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.