A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner