@CuddleYourCat

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

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@AlexvanBeek

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@Greg_1_Leg

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

@dafloydsta

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@eddyrivas

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

@tastefactory

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

@traciebreaux

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner