The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.