Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Catercrombie & Fish
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order