Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.