toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws