Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Probably my best painting.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”