I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Damn what did I do next
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?