Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY