State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.