me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
When you’re Kinky but poor
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?