me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“We will wed,” I threatened
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.