I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
You Might Also Like
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.