Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.