I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there