First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us