Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.