My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Every time my phone rings
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
sigh
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?