Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
May have had one breakfast too many
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
THIS HEADLINE
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience