Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.