@TheCatWhisprer

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

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@JediGigi

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@QwertyJones3

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

@UncleDuke1969

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

@LuvPug

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them