Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.


No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh


A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.


“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…


(Summer 2015)


Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.


“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”


14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’


Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope


Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them