I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
The struggle is real.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes