I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
![]()
You Might Also Like
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Merica.
![]()
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves