Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Meow
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
so weird how every mom was born today
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*