Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?