If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I think this should do it.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
To the max.. 😂
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