Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

my sentiments exactly

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Modded the new Gran Turismo

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Spell check is for lasers.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON