George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
peep davidson
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town