REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
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That’s fair
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.