I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Smooooooth
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
🤔😂😂
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.