If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Wednesday
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human