The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.