Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Meowchelangelo
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth