Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.