Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!