Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
#ProTip
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok