How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
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Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
what are they serving at kfc then???
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name