peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Happens to everyone.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Would you wear it?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?