My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
These are too funny not to post 😂
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’m sorry…what?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?