If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE