If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
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*bites zombie*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Smooooooth
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together