The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect