Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
good morning
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Those are good neighbors.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves