Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA