What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges