Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Woke up against my better judgement again
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her