WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are