The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore